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Goodbye to Self Harm

I'm writing this to let you know we won't be spending time together anymore. I'm realizing that our friendship is toxic. That the words you've whispered in my ears that felt safe and powerful only hurt me more. I'm seeing you for who you really are and I'm drawing a line in the sand. No longer will you haunt me. No longer will you draw your talons across my body. No longer will you keep me locked away in my own mind. Convincing me I could only turn to you for help. I thought then that you held the key to my healing. When really you were just keeping the door locked.

I'm moving on.

Without you I can look in the mirror. I can be free to smile. To wear shorts. No longer ashamed by the scars on my body or on my heart. I can speak my truth and hold space for my needs. Space that you took away. As I walk away from our time together I see the destruction you've caused. And in knowing the depths of pain you've carved out of me, I know that's all the more room I have to fill with laughter and joy. I am in control of my mind now. Even if you decide to come calling or knock on my door again, I'll be mindful not to let you in. Even when you beg. I won't. Because I'll remember the tears, the shaking hands, the hollow eyes, the reflection I didn't recognize. I'll remember you stole a piece of me. A time in my life story that has forever now come to an end.

Your end.

Because I'll keep living on. In other books and stories and poems and songs and day dreams. I'll live on. A picture or painting of a girl. No longer bleeding but with the marks of battle scars. From the ashes I rise to seize my ever present moment. I lay down my weapons and simply walk away from you and cast you as a villain in my story.

My jabberwokie.

And this Alice is finally going home for good.

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